i don't know exactly where i'm going.
and for the first time in a long time, i'm not pretending that i do.
i'm a software engineer at a small startup, one of the people responsible for building the product. i've touched the frontend, backend, database, testing, deployment, product decisions, and almost everything in between.
from the outside it probably looks like i'm doing well.
internally it's much more complicated. this one isn't about code. it's just where my head is right now.
i wanted this life
for years i was curious about what software engineers actually do inside companies.
i didn't just want to learn react or node. i wanted to understand how real software is built. how a senior engineer decides an architecture. why one company chooses postgres and another chooses something else. how large engineering teams work. how a product goes from an idea to something thousands of people use.
i wanted to see the real thing. and somehow, i got that opportunity.
i joined a small startup and became one of the primary people pushing the product forward. i took ownership. i worked on everything i could. i used AI wherever it could make me faster. i learned by building, made mistakes, fixed things, and watched the product slowly become real.
in some ways i got exactly what i once wished for.
what i didn't realise is that getting what you want doesn't automatically make you feel fulfilled.
the strange part about success
i wanted to become a topper. i eventually received a gold medal.
i wanted a work-from-home internship where i could earn while learning. i got one.
i wanted to experience what working on a real production application felt like. i got that too.
looking back, there are several moments in my life where i wished for something and eventually found myself standing inside that exact situation.
and yet today i don't feel like i'm manifesting anything. i feel like i'm waiting. waiting for something to happen. waiting for the universe to give me the next thing.
the fear behind wanting more
i want money. a lot of money. i want a high-paying job. i want to become technically strong. i want to build something big. i want my startup to succeed.
and there's a strange contradiction sitting right next to all of that.
part of me is afraid of becoming successful.
if i earn a lot, people will notice. relatives might know. someone might ask me for money. people might judge me. people might think i'm showing off. i don't want anyone to think i'm a bad person. i want everyone to like me. i want everyone to think i'm good.
i know that's impossible. i still worry about it.
sometimes i wonder whether i'm unconsciously keeping myself small, because becoming bigger creates responsibilities and attention that i'm afraid of.
home doesn't feel like home anymore
another strange thing has happened. i used to be very comfortable living at home. now i feel trapped here sometimes.
i want my own time. i want to sit at my desk and work without being interrupted. i want to decide when i work, when i rest, when i go outside, when i do things.
my parents aren't bad people. they're actually trying to take care of me. and that's what makes the feeling harder to explain — i know they're doing good things, and i still feel angry.
sometimes they ask me to do something in the middle of my work and i get frustrated. sometimes i suppress it. sometimes it comes out as anger. then i feel guilty for being angry. and the cycle continues.
i want independence. i don't currently have enough money to comfortably live independently. home gives me food, a room and security. my job gives me a small salary.
so i'm stuck between two worlds. i don't want the dependence, and i'm not yet independent enough to escape it.
the startup
this is probably the most complicated part.
i want to make the startup big. i've put a lot of myself into it. i've pushed the product. i've used AI to build faster. i've taken responsibility. i've tried to impress my manager. i've tried to do more than what was expected. i've worked across every part of the product.
but there are very few clients. and that scares me.
because building software and selling software are two completely different things. i know how to build. i'm still afraid of going into the market and asking people to trust what we built.
so the product exists. i'm just still afraid to put myself completely behind it.
AI changed me
there's another uncomfortable truth. AI has made me extremely productive, and it also made me dependent.
i can build things much faster than i could before. then a recent interview handed me the bill for that. i didn't know fundamentals i should have known. i'd been building production software, and when someone asked me the basics, i struggled.
that interview exposed the gap. and suddenly i started thinking: what if i'm not actually as good as i thought. what if i've just been good at using AI. what if companies don't value everything i've done. what if i can't get another job.
so i decided to stop letting AI do everything. learn the fundamentals. understand the code. study system design. understand what senior engineers actually think about when they design systems.
i did it for a week. then i stopped.
the money problem
i want a bigger salary. at the same time, i'm comfortable with my current situation.
what i earn isn't enough for the life i imagine. but because i live at home there's no rent, food is taken care of, and i have my room, my monitor, my setup, my familiarity.
so part of me wants to leave. another part says why would you leave this comfort. and another part says this is the exact comfort zone you're complaining about.
that's the fight happening inside me.
what i think is actually happening
maybe i'm not lost. maybe i'm overloaded.
i'm trying to solve my career, money, startup, technical skills, family situation, independence, relationships, future, identity and other people's expectations all at the same time — and expecting myself to have a clear answer for every one of them.
i don't.
i don't know exactly what i'll become. but i know what i'm curious about.
i want to become technically strong. i want to understand software deeply rather than simply make software work. i want to understand architecture. i want to understand how serious engineering organisations operate and how senior engineers think. i want to build products that people actually use. and somewhere inside me, i still want to build something of my own.
maybe that's enough direction for now.
august 2026
right now, i'm not at my best.
i'm inconsistent. i'm afraid of judgment. i'm financially dependent. i'm frustrated with my surroundings. i'm uncertain about my startup. i'm questioning my technical ability. i'm afraid of failing interviews. i'm afraid of wasting my potential. i'm tired of being this version of myself.
but i'm also not finished.
i've already experienced things i once only imagined. i became a gold medalist. i got into a startup. i became responsible for a real product. i learned by getting my hands dirty. i built things that people actually use. i discovered what i don't know.
and now i'm standing at another uncomfortable stage.
maybe i get a better job. maybe the startup works. maybe it doesn't. maybe i become a much stronger engineer. maybe i eventually build something much bigger. maybe my life looks completely different a few years from now.
i don't know.
but i want to remember this version of myself. not the future version who has everything figured out. this version.
the confused one. the ambitious one. the scared one. the one who wants money but is afraid of having it. the one who wants independence but still needs home. the one who wants to become a great engineer but sometimes doesn't study. the one who wants to build a company but is afraid to sell. the one who wants everyone to like him. the one who is tired. the one who still wants to know more.
maybe this isn't the chapter where i become successful.
#buildinpublic #learninginpublic #personal